What's Left Of Me - June 5, 2011

“Hey there” She heard a voice behind her say and didn’t have to look behind her to know who it belonged to. She stared up at the ceiling of the hospital that she was currently a resident at. The voice that was behind her, belonged to her attending. She hoped that the voice was just a figure of her imagination, so she fought with herself to not turn around to face those deep blue eyes. She continued with the charts that lay in front of me. We were placed at the receptionist’s desk. I felt his hand lay on my shoulder and instinctively I turned around, my face filled with rage. I looked at him, long and hard, before turning on my heel, closing my chart, and walking away. I walked into the on-call room for the residents. I made my way to the window that overlooked the road in front of the hospital and waited for the tears to come.

It had been a few weeks since I found out about the guy, who I dated for five years, having a girlfriend. Even though we had been on and off for some time now, it hurt me. It hurt to look at him and not be able to touch him, to kiss him. It hurt me to think that someone was sleeping in his arms that very night, or going out on dates where he would gaze at them with his lingering gaze. It was hard.

The tears came, slow and steady at first as they made their way from her weary eyes to her bland cheeks. Then came the real deal, it became hard to breathe and they kept coming and coming, not giving a hint of remorse for her state. She barely heard the door open or even close and then felt hands on her shoulders. She didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. Their lives had become predictable, almost like movie coincidences.

“Please, leave me alone.” Her voice came out in a sort of whimper, but he didn’t let go.

“I want to be here Emma” he spoke up for the second time today.

Memories flooded her mind, with just a couple of words from his mouth. Tears sprung her eyes again, and she realized how sad of a life she had started to live. Her life had revolved around her work ever since he told her that it wasn’t working. One specific memory stood out in her mind, when he had promised her that he would never let her go. He had always been a player, but she thought that maybe, just maybe, he had changed for her; but once a player, always a player. But she had, had enough.

Emma turned back around to face Alex, suddenly experiencing the strength to face up to him. “You never wanted to be here Alex” she said to him, trying to keep calm.

“Yes I have, and I still do, I still want you” he told her, showing her what could be easily mistaken for something genuine.

Emma scoffed. “You had me. You had me when we first met, when you first told me how sexy I was. You had me then. You had me three months ago. But you don’t have me now” Emma told him. “You only like the chase Alex, not me” she felt tears coming so she wrapped up the conversation as quickly as she could. “I have to go.”

“We need to talk Em...” he started to say.

“Don’t you dare call me that, you lost the right to call me that when took me for granted. You lost it when I gave you what you wanted, sex. I gave you everything and in return I got you making out with another girl thinking that I would never find out. But guess what Alex? This is a hospital, and people talk a lot here.” Emma told him and then turned to walk away.

Alex ran his fingers through his brown hair in frustration. He wanted to tell her that all the rumours that ran through the hospital were lies, lies that he, sadly, created. He wanted for her to think that he had moved on when in reality he was still clinging on to the tiny amount of hope that tied them together. He exited the room; same as Emma had done a few minutes ago, bumping into the Chief of Resident as he did so.

“Hi Chief” Alex muttered.

“Richards! Good to see you” The chief said and noticed Alex’s distant expression. “What’s wrong?”

Alex looked up, confused at the question. “What?”

The chief gave him ‘The Look’. “I’m not stupid. I know what happens in this hospital, whether you like it or not. So are you going to tell me what's wrong, or do I have to ask around? Because either way, I’ll find out the truth” he crossed his arms around his chest, waiting for an answer.

Alex sighed. There was no way that he would be able to get out of telling the Chief. Alex put his hands in his white coat’s pockets. “Emma hates me”

The Chief stood still for a moment, most likely arguing with himself on what he should say. Alex watched his face go from no expression to showing the smallest hint of a smile. “Follow me” The Chief told him and began to lead the way.

The chief moved his way through the hospital expertly, the same hospital that he had once been an intern and resident at. He stopped in front of another attending, one that happened to be a very close friend of mine.

“Cassie, Alex here would like some advice” The Chief spoke up, pointing at Alex as he did so.

Cassie had been charting when she had heard the Chief’s voice, and had turned her head when he did so. She looked at Alex with a smirk; since she had once been his so called ‘Sex Buddy’ until of course he managed to fall in love.

“And what advice would the very Alex Richards need?” Cassie smirked as she did so, knowing the situation that Alex was currently in.

“Well I’ll leave you to it, Good Luck Richards” The Chief said before calling out one of the nurses that was trying to scurry away from him.

“What's up?” Cassie inquired before meeting Alex deadly glare.

“You know perfectly well what's up” Alex muttered, his mood dropping by the minute.

Cassie sighed. “Maybe you just need a little action to cheer you up”

Alex looked up; his eyes filled with hope and need.

“Not that, stupid. She hates you and most definitely will not have sex with you while she is. Plus I need some cheering up after that idiot broke up with me for that whore” Cassie told him, knowing he didn’t need more people offering him sympathy.

“Not helping Cas” He moaned.

“You don’t need more help Alex.” Cassie said and then sighed deeply. “Come with me.” She said to him, pulling him to the one of the on-call rooms.

“Cas, I don’t want sex right now!” Alex murmured.

Cassie gasped but didn’t stop walking. When they reached the on-call room, she opened the door and motioned for him to go in first, following as he did so.

“Okay Alex, you are really starting to depress me.” Cassie said as she went and sat on one of the bottom bunk bed, where Alex followed her.

“I don’t know how to become the old me Cas. She changed me and then left.” Alex told her, looking at her for some type of reassurance.

“Alex, I’ve known you for quite some time, maybe not as well as some of your guy friends but I still know you. And I know that this isn’t who you are. You’re not born to mope around for some girl. You lost her Alex, don’t forget that.” She told him, not sparing him of the truth.

“Whose side are you on? I thought you were my friend.” He said as a look of disbelief covered his face.

“I’m on your side; I’ve always been on your side Alex, never doubt that. But right now, she’s hurting more than you Alex. You need to make things right with her. As much as she annoys me because of her goody goodness, you both make each other happy.” Cassie told him, putting a hand on his arm. “You need to be there for her right now more than ever, prove to her that you will stay.”

“Cas, if I could do that we wouldn’t be in this situation. She said she loves me and I couldn’t reply. She asked me to move in with her and I freaked, but why? I do love her, and I do want to move in with her.” Alex told her, tears coming in his eyes, no matter how strong he tried to show himself as. “She mended my soul, and then broke it by leaving.”

They heard the door open and in the doorway stood Emma.

She looked at the two of them, and then noticed Cassie’s hand on Alex’s arm. At first she thought nothing of it, but noticing Alex’s death struck expression she put her tongue to the roof of her mouth to avoid saying anything. She stormed out of the room without saying a word, slamming the door close behind her.

Alex sat there completely overcome by shock. All he had seen when Emma had walked into the room was sudden hope, a sense of excitement back in his life. It had come out of nowhere, scaring him completely. He got elbowed in the ribs by Cassie. He turned to look at her with confused eyes, his hand holding where she had elbowed him.

“Now’s your chance, go get your girl!” She said, pushing Alex off the bed and towards the door.

Alex smiled for the first time in what seemed like months and ran out of the room and through the hallways searching for Emma.

Emma walked out of the hospital, still in her scrubs as she wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand. She had fooled herself for long enough. She was not over Alex Richards, she was never over him, and never would be, at least as long as she stayed in that hospital. She found a nearby bench and sat down, preparing herself for a herd of tears.

She had tried, tried and made a place for herself in Alex’s heart, but he would always go running back to her. Cassie was always there, always in the way. Cassie hated Emma, and Emma knew that, but she didn’t have to steal her boyfriend...ex-boyfriend away.

She felt someone come and sit next to her. The air around her changed and suddenly the atmosphere became heated. That reaction was only caused when Alex sat next to her. Usually she would hide her tears, wipe them away and pretend to be over him but not this time. She wasn’t over him and didn’t have the energy to hide it anymore.

“I really am sorry Em” Alex murmured next to her.

“And I really wish I could believe you” she told him in a voice that was a mere whisper.

From the corner of her eyes, she saw him stand up and come into her line of vision, crouching down in front of her, making her look at him.

“I will always love you, no matter what you do or how hard you try to push me away because you can’t push me away forever. And when you stop, I’ll be here, just for you. I want you to know that I’ll always be here and that I’ve always been here.” Alex told her heart fully.

She stared at Alex for a few minutes before standing up. She sighed loudly and started to walk away.

Alex stopped her before she could get far. “Why are you leaving?” he asked, desperately.

Emma turned around to face him, and stared long and hard before she talked. “What happened to you?”

A confused expression clouded over Alex’s face, an expression that Emma had become too familiar with.

“You changed Alex. You used to be this charming, handsome guy. A guy that didn’t take no for an answer, you took charge Alex. And now look at you? You’ve become this weak excuse of a guy. And I can’t be the reason that you changed.” She told him as she turned around, trying to suppress a smile.

He overtook her, furious. “I am a man and I always will be a man” he said defensively and then saw her smile.

He smiled. “Why are you smiling?”

“You just said you love me, after what now seems like a lifetime.” Emma told him, smiling uncontrollably now.

He snaked his arms across her waist, getting rid of the distance between them in a heartbeat. “I am in love with you, Emma Fields, and have been since I met you. And I’m sorry I didn’t say it to you before. I’m sorry for freaking out on you; I would love to live with you. I would love to spend the rest of my life with you.” He told her, smiling as he bent down and kissed her with passion that could make any onlooker turn away blushing. And this time, she didn’t stop him.

Sania Sahgal,