Night vs. Day - July 29, 2010

I’m panting. I think I just ran 5 miles. I just want to lie down now. I’m so tired I can barely breathe in time. I carefully sit on the grass, lay my head back, and close my eyes while praying to a God I don’t believe in. 
    At first I’m disoriented when I wake up. The feeling of danger and anxiety begin seeping through the pores of my skin. But then I catch myself. I start smiling and laughing and sighing in relief. And ever so naturally, my pain and my anxiety rush out of my system. Something foreign instead comes. With every breath I breathe. I take one deep one, trying to capture it into my veins and hoping I’ll never feel any different, any less. That something is Freedom. I’m free!! As this realization hits me, I start crying right then and there. I stay like that for I don’t know how long. And I figure it doesn’t matter. I have all the time to figure everything else. I stand and start walking.
    I know what happened:
    The place was never identified. I just knew I didn’t like it and never will. That I keep to myself. On the surface, I smile at everyone. I kiss a lot of butt. So I’ll stay out of their eyes. Out of sight, out of mind.
    I have no family anymore. 5 years ago, an association called NASF, took me away on the night of my college graduation for my academic excellence. They dragged me onto a helicopter after they blindfolded my eyes and tied up my wrists.I remember how I felt that night because that’s how I’ve been feeling since then till now. Fearful. Confused all the time. Emptied; they took everything away from me. But not my memory. On the night of my kidnap, they sat me down on a chair so forcefully, the breath was knocked out of me. They jammed a tight helmet on my head and I heard all these buttons sounding. I didn’t know what to make of it. I waited, my heart like a drum, my breath like death was to come. Then there came what felt like a red, hot iron. It was so painful, I couldn’t even scream. It probably lasted only 2 seconds at the most, but it felt like eternity to me. I think I blacked out. I’m not so sure. All I know is that when I came into consciousness, I felt drained. What had they done to me? I realized my hands were no longer tied and my eyes no longer covered. Before I could do anything, I heard voices and as a result remained very still.
    “The subject should have lost all memory prior to her WD,” one man said.
    “Albert, I don’t want should-have’s. I want to know yes or no,” said a woman.
    “Yes. Yes, she did. All except for what you asked for… Ma’am,” the man stammered.
    What was he talking about? My memory? What's WD? I remember everything crystal clear. Something must’ve gone wrong, but he doesn’t seem to think so. And the woman still did not reply. She must believe him. I continued listening.
    “Good. Good,” the woman said sternly, confirming my assumption. Then she went on and shouted so loud I almost moved, “NOW GET OUT!!!”
    I heard him shuffling out. It was just me and her now, I assumed. She walked over to me, and I decided I’d act like what went wrong hadn’t. I closed my eyes, feigning sleep when that was the last thing on my mind. She lifted my blindfold and gently shook me. Slowly, I lifted my lids. I blinked once, twice, and acting as though I was disoriented, looked at my surroundings with an overly innocent face I can’t believe she fell for. The room was a lab, completely white. The door was nowhere to be seen. It must be behind me. Before I could examine further, she cupped her hands around my face and made me get a full look of her face. I met her eyes for a second and then lowered my eyes quickly, figuring that’s what she expected. She was really pretty. She had wide eyes and an easy smile. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was an angelic character. Her hair however gave hint to what type of person she was. It was tied in a tight bun, hardening her features. She softly whispered, “Honey, you’re safe now. We got you. We got you,” and kissed my forehead.
    I replied in the typical way, “Where am I?”
    With a look of concern that didn’t reach her, she asked, “Don’t you remember, sweetie? You’re on a scholarship program at the Institution of NASF designed for intelligent graduate students with potential in entering our elite company. But there was an accident and apparently, you lost your memory! The doc said something like this was possible. But the good news, is that the part of your memory that knows of formulas and chemical names was not harmed. Come on, let’s get you back to your room. Rest and we’ll get you back on track tomorrow, ok?” And with that she pulled me up not abruptly, but with a subtle force. I did as ordered and let her lead me to her room. I faked exhaustion and lagged right behind her. I wanted to lag more but she had a solid grip on my wrist. The hallways were dim. The floors were marble. The walls had a portrait now and again. Identical doors lined the walls with consecutive numbers on them. The place was so dull! As if I wasn't disoriented enough. Finally, we reached what seemed to be our destination: Room 219. The woman kindly said to me, “Well here you go!”
    I realized I still didn't know her name. So I asked, “How do I address you?”
    She smiled and replied matter-of-factly, “Ms. Simmons.” With that, she walked and turned the corner, out of my sight.
    I faced Room 219, turned the knob and opened the door. Inside was a lit up, hospital yellow room. The walls were void of personality. As for furniture, there was a shelf, two small desks, two drawers, and two identical beds with tan sheets. One of those beds lay a slender, Hispanic looking, girl who looked a bit taller than me. She took a glance at me and ordered, “Close the door.” I did as told. I didn't want trouble.
    “Who are you?” I asked.
    “Your roommate. Name's Ames Tanner, but just call me Ames.”
    “Hey Ames. So is this scholarship program great or what?” I started, hoping to get some kind of information.
    “Yeah it's so awesome!” Ames whispered sarcastically. She went on in a more serious tone, “That's what they tell you. This is no freaking scholarship program. Everyone here thinks that though, but I figured it out. I figured it all out. I just go along with it so I stay out of trouble. What they're really doing is recruiting smart people like me to figure out how to make an ultra bomb. It's meant to destroy the world but they say it's to get rid of some frigging evil. It's total BS but people believe it. Plus there's also the one hundred grand prize money. Now I'm just finding a way out.”
    I spent a couple of minutes soaking this information in. I was getting more but not enough. I asked, “Did they erase your memory prior to your WD? What is that by the way?” She then launched into a full on explanation, answering all my questions. WD stands for WithDrawal and they did erase her memory, but she found a way to regain it though she didn't tell how. She's been here for a year. Everyday's the same routine: breakfast, lab time, lunch, lab time, dinner, and bedtime. I’m not even sure if it’s every day or night. There are no windows. The institution people provide no explanations and the students don't ask. They just don't. As it looks, when they wiped out their memories, so did they their sense of curiosity. Ames came across as a selfish, talkative person. Whatever. I just want out.
    That night I lay there staring at the ceiling. I was scared out of my mind. I thought a lot about my family. My friends. What were they making of this? What am I going to do? I need to get away.
    That’s what I’ll be thinking for the next four years and a half. In that four years and a half, Ames escaped. I was mad she didn’t get me but I understood. We were never close, she was what I initially thought of her and security’s tight; it’s hard enough making it out solo. My innocent face kept me out of the investigators’ eyes after she left. On the exact night that marked my 4 and a half years here, I had an epiphany. I was too fearful and so I never acted. If Ames made it out, so can I. It’s about time I decided to grow up.
    Over the course of 2 months, I did my research on the building. There were 4 doors pointing in four directions that had no identification on them whatsoever. I didn’t know where they led, but they had to lead somewhere.I discovered that there were almost always 2 security guards watching each door, but there was a twenty minute interval where they were changing shifts. No one was there during that period.
    There was my chance.
    August 14, I decide to take serious action. I have my measly amount of belongings packed in one of the staff's duffel bags in which I stole. I'm really lucky today. Cameras at Door A (I named them), the door I'm closest to, are under maintenance. The guards have just left to change shifts.
    It's been a minute now. 1...2...deep breath...3!
    I sprint for the door and surprisingly it is not locked. As I step onto the other side there is nothing but darkness. I close the door as much as I can without locking myself out, in case I can't find my way tonight. I use the glow in the dark button on my watch to give me sight of this darkness. It seems as though it's a storage room with linoleum flooring. I'm not able to spot a door before my light runs out. I press the button again and I find the wall. It's about 50 yards away. Light runs out again. I press the button again and I find the door directly across from me. It's another deep breath, before I dash for my escape, constantly pressing my light-up button. But before I can make 2 steps, alarms sound and the alarm lights on the ceiling flash red, giving me full sight of the room but also giving any other person full sight of me. The fear that I've been swallowing for the past few minutes broils over. It takes me 2 seconds before I get back on track. I push myself harder towards the door. I can hear doors behind me opening, letting a bunch of men burst through. As I run and run, I can hear them coming closer and closer. I'm so close. Now I'm there. To my horror, it's locked. The fear that I thought already reached its peak now soars. I spot a  fingerprint sensor password thingy I saw in spy movies right next to the door. I do what I saw in those movies. I blow some warm air onto it. While the thing's processing what I've done or what I've thought I've done, I look behind me. Big mistake. They're only a few seconds away!!! Click. The door pops open and I'm out. But I'm not safe. I run until it seems like my heart was going to burst, wind whipping at my face, and I barely notice how weird my surroundings were: it was night time here but 5 miles away it was as bright as day. It was a meadow 5 miles away. Where the hell was I? I didn't have time to think on it. Reaching the light became my motivation. I want light. I want to feel warmth again. I run and run and run. On puddles. On pebbles. Past trees. Past boulders. By the looks of it, I'm just a mile away.
    Thump. One of the men jumps for me, but gladly, he misses. I make a right angle and another right angle back towards the light. I make one final leap to the other side. The embracing light under the warm and beautiful sun. I'm here. I made it, but I'm not done. I keep running and running until my legs give in. I turn to look back and for some reason, they won't cross the border of night and day. After a long time, they all scowl at me, and turn back. They walk away out of my sight.
    I'm so happy, I jump. I laugh. I act immature and no one's watching. OH MY GOD I'M OUT. I ESCAPED!!!
    I don't know where I am, but it doesn't matter now. I'll be okay. I decide I'm going to walk as far away as I can and figure out what to do there. I get up, but before I start my journey, I turn back once more. I notice it's still really dark there and really bright here. I notice there's a stop sign a little behind the border and the institution is really a huge metal dome. WHATEVER!! The night miles away is my past. It will blur, but it won't ever go away. The grass that envelops me now is my present. It keeps me protected. I'm here.
    I made it out. Like Ames. I'm free and I'm safe. I turn my back on the night to face the future. I start my journey to a better place. And I can't help but smile for miles and miles and miles.

-ML