Humor - February 19, 2011

The mother of all snake battles!
  People who know me; know that I believe that truth is sacred!
I was forced to kill a rattlesnake the other morning for invasion of privacy and personal property.  Personal because he crawled under my chair while I was sitting in my chair drinking a early morning beer. He or she was headed for my outdoor shower. I don't know about the rest of the world but I care nothing about showering with a snake. Let alone a rattlesnake.  I mean really, can you imagine, “Hey Dude, pass the soap” or “I'll do your back if you'll do mine”.  Who's going to come out ahead or even even here?  Anyway I grabbed trusty 7 3/8 pound crowbar and began trying to snag & drag it into the open so we could engage in fair and equal duel to the death.  (It was at least  8 inches long)  (ok, callit a long seven inches.....)  It began it's  ferocious attack and I countered and parried with my crowbar.  (The snake did'nt know I was the uncontested olympic fencer of the last 8 years).  I fought under the name of “Elastic Bentpole the Great”.  Anyway I was doing a lot of parrying and touchaying,  really hogging the scene.  But el snako slipped thru and snagged his fangs in my pantleg, 
I immediately went on the attack fullbore!  It was not a pretty sight to see .  Dust, dirt, rock, sweat and pieces of snake everywhere then the coup deegrace, the smashing of the head !

”Many Beers later.......”
I think I habe given myself too much hero time.  So I will set the record straight. Actually it was a male snake, and a foul tempered one as you will ever see, closer to two feet long and as big around as wrist. And crosseyed to boot.  (maybe that’s why he was foul tempered).  Ten rattles which meant  he’d bitten ten people or animals. I got him out  from under my shower and commenced to baffle him with my parrying and thrusting. I even threw in a few “Ole’s” but it didn't impress him, he just kept coming. Ducking and dodging and striking whenever he thought he could nail me. I could see he was a very tough old snake who’d been around the block a few times.  He had me on the defensive and my arm was getting tired working with my 12 pound crowbar.  He was tired too.  And then I thought of an old tried and true trick.  I stooped and grabbed a handfull of dust and flung it in his eyes. That did it!  With one lightning quick thrust with my trusty crowbar, I pinned him to the ground.  You don’t want to know the details.  It wasn’t a pretty sight!
Many, many, many beers later!I figured I had better tell the whole unvarnished snakefight truth. I was trying to spare people from the truth before, but I know that’s dishonest & most people are strong enough to take the truth no matter what. Sometimes. This snake was 4 to 5 ft. long & as big around as my thigh!
Honest injun, no foolin’. If I'm lyin’, Im dyin’.  And my uncle used to love me but she died. When this snake went under my chair he knocked me over backwards, which really ticked me off. Well as I said before, we went at it hammer & tongs and do you walk to school or carry your lunch? He had fangs like a saber tooth tiger, (I think he was the ‘03 model). I got in some good licks with my 15 pound crowbar. But he got his in too, shredded my pantleg, got his fangs in an artery. But being of sharp mind,  I had been taking anti-venom orally. Don't know the name of it, but the initials are  B.E.E.R.  So it didn't effect me too much too much too much. Did I mention that it didn’t effect too much?  My panther quick reflexes were still working and so was my cool analytical brain. I threw myself on him and had him in a snake Nelson.  A hold that only a few snake fighters know.  Usually this is finis for the snake.  But he'd been in a lot of fights & was a real savvy fighter. He did the whirrlybird figure eight, counterbuck twist & I was thrown off. This was a most precarious position. There I was, only a few feet away from a very mad, crosseyed snake with 8 inch fangs (ok, maybe only 6 or 7inches) full of poison and wanting to use me as the injectee. My brain was working at warp five speed. With one lightning quick motion I threw up in his face. It was Brilliant, he was confused. I went on the attack on the pukey snake. It was slippery going. I was going to try & put him in the famous rollingbolling knot, where the snake ends up with his rattles in his fangs. This is also known as the tail in the mouth move. I had eaten a big spaghetti dinner and now I'm wading through pasta, garlic and tomatoe chunks. Trying to get a grip on a very mad snake (they don’t like to be puked on!). The dust mixed with the puke finally allowed me to get enough of a grip to fling him a safe distance so I could retrieve my trusty 18 pound crowbar. I immediately shouted "en garde" (which means watch your ass). Then began what I hoped was my final assault and total victory. He had managed, while I was trying to perform the rollingbolling, to inject my ass with copious ( that means alot) amounts of high-grade venom. However, due to my massive intake of anti-venom known as B.E.E.R., I was pretty well protected.  But was unsure of my next move.
Fortunately just at that moment, a state trooper came cruising by, saw the commotion and stopped to see if I needed help.  It only took one look at the snake’s crossed eyes, and he insisted on giving him a breathalyzer test, which he failed, having greedily tried to suck my very life blood from my body and instead got an extra healthy dose of the powerful B.E.E.R. anti-venom.
I wouldn’t admit to being paranoid, but after the tussle with the snake, but if I see a length rope or hose in my way I stop and thoroughly thrash it to pieces! 

-Fox